Becoming a great lover, like becoming great at anything in life requires getting feedback. Either the man or woman may ask “Is that great?” or “Is that nice?” but feedback is not always easy to give, so it’s important to read the signs. Body language makes up 55% of the way we communicate so an ability to read non-verbal signs is very important to be a great lover.

Signs of arousal in men
It’s not hard to see if a man’s aroused, mainly because it is hard……… if you see what we mean. But there are other signs of a man’s arousal; for example look in his eyes. Our pupils dilate involuntarily when we’re with someone we like. Obviously light plays a part, on a bright sunny day our pupils are small, in a dark restaurant they’ll dilate, but do his eyes look extra black when he stares at you? Does he look at your mouth? Is he incredibly attentive? Does he touch you frequently in non-sexual places, like the shoulder, the elbow or the small of our back? All these are signs he’s aroused.

When he’s not aroused
Men are not always hungry and eager for sex. External stresses such as a difficult job or potential loss of employment, and subsequent loss of income may easily distract a man. Internal worries such as health, or anxieties about the future may make it difficult for the man to switch off. It may be he’s unhappy with some aspects of the relationship. Getting a man to talk is not easy. Sometimes the way the woman phrases the question holds the key to unlocking the problem.

Change the question to find out the problem
Try this: instead of beginning your question with the word “Why…..”, such as “Why are you so unhappy?”, try a more subtle question like this “What would have to happen for you to be happy?” and then “What else would have to happen?”. Or the woman can express love and commitment first and then say how distressed she is. Expressing love, commitment and concern are powerful ways to bond with your partner, and when someone feels closer to their partner, they may reveal their inner problems.

Get him to write it down
Often putting the problem on paper begins to help solve that problem. A well phrased question may help propel you to the answer. So, rather than writing down “I’m worried about money” instead write the question “How can we earn more money, save more and spend less?” Men can be poor communicators especially about things that are concerning and worrying them. Once you have identified the problem you stand a chance of solving it

Signs of arousal in women
Let’s consider arousal in four phases: Phase 1: becoming aroused, Phase 2, becoming sexually excited. Phase 3: at the orgasmic plateau. Phase 4: Orgasm.

Phase 1: becoming aroused
In the first stages of non-sexual foreplay, a woman will give signs of arousal but they may be very subtle: she may notice and remove a small (often imaginary) piece of cotton from the guys’ jacket. She may lightly brush his shirt, or stand slightly too close. She may look at him as though she finds what he’s saying intensely interesting. She may slightly argue and take issue with him on a subject. She may play with her hair, revealing part of her neck as she looks away and then back at him again. These are as much signs of sexual interest as sexual arousal, though where one stops and the other starts, who can say?

Phase 2: becoming sexually excited
Flushed cheeks and full lips are classic signs of arousal. The more aroused a woman becomes, the more physical signs she’s display. Her pupils dilate making her look even more attractive to the man. Her cheeks, chest or neck may flush; her lips and cheeks may redden and her lips swell. These are all signals that men find attractive, hence the mimicry of make-up and lipstick. The more excited she becomes the more she touches him, holds him or brushes against him. A woman may become very excited and aroused way before the couple hit the bedroom, so guys watch for the signs. The more aroused she is before lovemaking begins the better time she’ll have. The more aroused she is, the more likely she will experience Multiple Orgasms.

Phase 3: At the orgasmic plateau
The orgasmic plateau is the stage a woman reaches just before she has an orgasm. She becomes more urgent in her movements, her arms and legs grip and slide over the man, almost like a snake gripping its prey. Her hands grip and hold, and her fingertips may dig in rather than caress. If the man is still, or practices the “Freeze”, he’ll notice how she quivers with little hip movements that take her to the edge of orgasm. She may reach down and grab his bum, as if she means to pull him further inside her.

Phase 4: Orgasm
The classic signs of the female orgasm are cries and gasps (sometimes screams, literally) and locking her legs and arms tightly around the man. If a man practices the “Freeze” when she has her orgasm, he’ll be able to pick up all the signs, as he’ll be relatively still and focusing on her. She may arch her body and cry out. Her lips may swell noticeably and her nostrils may flare as her breathing changes. As a man becomes aware of the signs she’s having an orgasm, he’ll be able to practice using different Orgasmic Triggers to see which ones have the greatest effect.

What if she’s not communicating?
Women communicate in many ways other than direct statements. They give hints; they tell a little story or give examples of other situations and other relationships. A woman may assume that her man has picked up on all these and understands the problem. Unfortunately men often have problems understanding these indirect forms of communication. Men can try a more subtle form of questioning so instead of asking “Why are you…… or Why do you….” Etc he can say “What would have to happen for you to feel happy?” or “I can see you’re concerned about something. What can I do that would help?”

Sometimes a third party can help
If there are significant communication problems in your relationship consider approaching a third party organisation that specialises in relationship problems. Problems with sexual arousal can have many roots from difficulties in the relationship to hormonal problems. If lack of sexual arousal is a continuing problem, then address it by approaching a doctor or counsellor. Addressing a problem head on is often better than ignoring it and hoping it will go away or cure itself.

Read more...

• The Freeze
  Give women orgasms, men last longer too
   
• Orgasmic Triggers
  Physical and Verbal events to fire her orgasms
   
• Penetrative Foreplay
  Put her in a "Sensual Trance"