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 If you’re a guy worried about the first night, then turn that worry into action. Take a look at the main sections on this website about the EROS Technique. Focus on sexual foreplay, really taking your time, and bringing her to the point of orgasm or even orgasm itself, before penetration.
If she has an orgasm even before penetration, perhaps through Oral Sex, you can ensure she has a good experience whatever. Women love slow, sensual sex, and slow, sensual foreplay, so take your time, focus on her and forget about yourself.
First night nerves – Guys, how to avoid coming too quickly
Guys sometimes have first night nerves about coming too quickly (Premature Ejaculation or PE). Focusing on her pleasure rather than your own is a first step, changing your approach so you penetrate and remain relatively still, is the second step, while at the same time caressing and kissing her. Refer to the section on Penetrative Foreplay for more ideas on how to prolong and enhance that first night with her.
Losing your erection or not getting it at all
A nightmare; but strangely, a nightmare that happens to almost every man at some time in his life. Knowing it’s a very common occurrence may be slightly reassuring to a man, but the key questions every man wants to know the answer to are “Why does it happen?” and more importantly “What can I do about it?”. Check out the sections on Erections and Impotence / Erectile Dysfunction (ED). There are many causes of ED but lets focus on one particular cause – Situational ED and specifically anxiety from First Night Nerves
Fear, anxiety and erections
For a man to get and maintain an erection he has to be relaxed. The blood vessels in the penis stay under pressure creating the erection, but when a man becomes anxious blood flows away from the penis to other areas of the body. Anxiety and stress are varieties of the emotion of fear. Fear is a primeval emotion, rooted in a time when our ancestors fought to stay alive hundreds of thousands, even millions of years ago. When we’re in fear, hormones flood our body preparing us for “fight or flight”. Blood is directed away from our intestines and face, so we get “butterflies” in our stomach and our faces go “white with fear”.
Wilting under pressure (or the lack of it)
When a man is in fear of his life he doesn’t need an erection, he needs that precious blood in other areas of the body such as his muscles or brain ready to fight or flee. Unfortunately whatever causes the fear or anxiety, causes hormones to be released and so he loses his erection. It may be he’s anxious about losing his erection, or it may be anxiety over his ability to perform for this new woman, whatever is the cause, it’s the anxiety itself that causes him to lose that erection.
Eleanor Roosevelt the wife of President Roosevelt once said “We have nothing to fear except fear itself” though it’s not clear if she was referring to erections at the time she was quoted. Nonetheless it’s fear and anxiety that actually creates the thing he fears the most: a limp penis. Which is a touch ironic.
How to solve the problem of Situational ED.
There are several approaches so let’s consider them one at a time. And remember we’re talking about Situational ED, in other words when a man can get an erection just fine on other occasions, and it’s just certain situations when his erections fail. We’re assuming here that the situation is that the man and woman are happily together, he finds her attractive and there are no other psychological challenges.
Possible solutions as follows:
1) mechanical or chemical aids
2) a different way of thinking
3) a different way to physically make love
1. Mechanical or chemical aids
These solutions are really aimed at men who have problems getting an erection at any time. If a man can get an erection by masturbation or by looking at erotic images then mechanical or chemical aids are not the best way forward. With Situational ED the problem and solution resides in the man’s head
2. A different way of thinking: foreplay and oral
Men, do think about giving her pleasure through lots of foreplay, lots of kissing, oral sex and using fingers to slide gently in and out and perhaps massaging her G Spot. It may not seem like sex to the man but generally speaking women adore slow sensual touch, kissing, oral sex and being (sexily) stimulated by the mans fingers in her vagina. So she can have a great sexual experience without his erection.
Use the erection if and when
If the man thinks about sex as an abrupt situation he creates a problem he doesn’t need: if he thinks ”I’ve finished with foreplay, I want my erection NOW!” then he’s thinking about this as a One-time event. If the erection doesn’t happen the man can think “evening over”, because it’s a “now or never” way of thinking. If instead he thinks that he’ll give her lots of pleasure and then use his erection if it happens along, it takes the pressure off. How about if he thinks of ways to give her 1 orgasm or even 3 or 4 orgasms without using an erect penis? That’s a way of thinking that can elevate him to “superlover” status
3. A different way to make love: Focus on her pleasure
The more he focuses on her and her pleasure the less he thinks about himself and his anxieties, and the more likely he’ll become relaxed and the erection happens spontaneously. How about if he took the attitude that if he gains and loses his erections several times over a period of 10 or 15 minutes that it’s not a problem? How about if he just enters her for 5 or 10 seconds, moves slowly and sensuously, does the “Freeze” for 5 slow seconds then withdraws? He’s using his erect penis only from time to time as that erection becomes available. It’s only one Orgasmic Trigger of the many he can fire to give her an orgasm. He could even penetrate her using a soft erection and use other Orgasmic Triggers to fire her orgasm.
How the woman can help
Ladies, don’t think that a limp penis is any reflection on how attractive the man finds you. There’s something going on in his head and it’s not about how attractive and desirable you are. A man cannot consciously will his limp penis to be erect, just as a man with an erect penis can’t will it to be limp. Lots of reassurance and affection can help enormously. You may find frantic oral stimulation on his penis only seems to make the problem worse. Creating a sensual, trusting atmosphere is key.
Kissing and caressing can help
Any man who suffers this may feel devastated, as though he’s suffered a complete loss of his masculinity. Instead use the time either to caress, kiss and stimulate him, or use it a “teaching session” where you teach him the things that you find particularly stimulating (e.g. having your breasts kissed) Give him something to do, something that gives you pleasure and helps give him his masculinity back!
How the man can help himself
Don’t offer a torrent of apologies, as women tend not to like the wimpy, apologetic man who’s sorry for himself. Be blokey about the whole thing, almost as though you’re a disappointed observer of the situation. It’s like watching your favourite sports team lose on TV. You’re upset but upset as an observer not as a participant.
Take the attitude that she’s attractive (and naked), you fancy her rotten – tell her that incidentally – so what can you do that she’ll find stimulating? Ask her. Or tell her you’re going to use the time to explore her and her whole gorgeous body to find out what turns her on. Make use of the time and have fun.
Guys: Get something positive out of the time together - for both of you
Don’t finish it there and then; find things out about her body (and mind) that you can use next time you make love to her. Then you’ll both have a positive outcome and she’ll like you enormously for being blokey, good fun, nice and focused on her pleasure rather than feeling sorry for yourself.
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